Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
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Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
crazy
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.