Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
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*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking