Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
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Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
spot the difference
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
People buying plungers never look happy.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”