if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
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I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you