[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
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O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.