i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
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The options really are this bad
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today