Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
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lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”