going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
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Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?