What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
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Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
At least my masseuse has my back.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling