I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
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Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit