So creative 😂
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When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
repaired
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”