Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
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*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms