Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
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There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.