sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
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Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions