I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
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I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID