[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
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Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
The honesty is refreshing
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”