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We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
what do you want!!!!!!!!
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.