Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
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TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
real
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.