me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
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Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
My blood type is coffee.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…