You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
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In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
I have many caverns
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat