Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
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My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
doing your own taxes
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.