There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
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I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”