People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
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9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
used to be as a frog you could say “ribbit.” but you can’t do that anymore. because of croak
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.