Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
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More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Saw your ex at the shops
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.