You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
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Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
How actors in movies eat their food
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.