Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
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Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Match dot com, but for socks.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.