You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
You Might Also Like
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Check out the legs on this baby
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”