Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
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How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Cats are still liquid.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor: