Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
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Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”