Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
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What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled