*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
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‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.