I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
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Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.