GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
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“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Happy Taco Tuesday
Poetry is my passion
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?