Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
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Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.