i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
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[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.