Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
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*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.