The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
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Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat