Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
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The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
vegan witches, happy halloween!
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”