*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
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“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?