Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
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I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you鈥檙e doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you鈥檙e doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Me: It鈥檚 late, and I鈥檓 so tired.
My brain: Let鈥檚 find a word that rhymes with tequila.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Please let me in.. 馃槀
Sound on
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
this is literally a CIA plant
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I鈥檇 marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she鈥檚 a mess
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?