Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
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Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
she has a point
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
every single time
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.