My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
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No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do