“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
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My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise