My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
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I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here