wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
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“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill