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Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.