Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
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My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Um … Hot Wings please
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.