vegan witches, happy halloween!
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If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Is this you?
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments