Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
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How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Thank you corporation very cool
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
…żyje?
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.