New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
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My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist